The idea

The book explores what makes conversations difficult, why we avoid them, and how to handle them more effectively.

 

Our insights

  1. Be curious to know what happened (find out how the other saw the story, disentangle intent from impact; identify who contributed what)

  2. Express your feelings clearly, and acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

  3. Regain balance when you feel your identity is attacked

  4. Start with a neutral description of the issue; listen and make the other feel (s)he is understood; speak up with power; lead the conversation to problem solving

 

Extracts

  • « We often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you are wrong. This simple assumption causes endless grief. »

  • « We assume we know the intentions of other when we don’t. Worse still, when we are unsure about someone’s intensions, we too often decide they are bad. »

  • « Most difficult conversations focus significant attention on who’s to blame for the mess we’re in. »

  • « Telling someone to change makes it less rather than more likely that they will. »

  • « When feelings are at the heart of what’s going on, they are the business at hand and ignoring them is nearly impossible. »

  • « We have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen. »

  • « The key is to communicate your feelings in a way that invites and encourages the recipient to consider new ways of behaving, rather than suggesting they’re a schmuck and it’s too bad there’s nothing they can do about it. »

 

Don’t hesitate to contact us if you want guidance in Alignment or explore our Positive Expert-Area.

You can find this book on amazon and other online bookstores. Click on the image to shop:

 

null

TITLE: Difficult Conversations

AUTHORS: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen

B. Cialdini, PH.D.

The 3 authors are affiliates of the Harvard Negotiation Project; they teach negotiation and law, they are consultants to and mediators for corporations, labor unions, and governments.
Bruce Patton co-authored the book Getting To Yes.

PUBLISHER: Penguin Books, 352 pages (2010)

Our scores

Content: 5/5

Style: 4/5

Usability: 5/5